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Every store has regulars. A coffee shop will get the same businessmen on their way to work in the morning who come in and immediately order “the usual”.

Being a porn shop, you can probably imagine that our regulars sway just a TAD off the norm. We’ve got two who come in on a near-daily basis that we know by name: Latin Queen, and Mumbly.

The Latin Queen is easily one of my new favorite people. He’s not a creeper in the slightest, he’s actually pretty cool. A gay Hispanic man in his late thirties, LQ hardly ever even goes in the back room anymore; 99% of the time, he comes in just to chill with all of us that work there, the porn shop crew. He’ll go out drinking with Neoboss, flirt shamelessly with the very straight Bond, and gossip like an old maid with me and T-Mama. Since I’m relatively new at the shop, he fills me in on all the dirty dealings of other regular customers (you’ll be introduced to them eventually, I promise). It’s not unusual for me to be stacking movies or some shit,  hear the door chime, and turn around to see LQ leaning on the counter saying “Hey girlfriend, what’s new?” and for us to have a good half-hour chat about nothing in particular.

Mumbly, on the other hand, is one annoying motherfucker. Like LQ, he’s gay and in his late thirties (and is one of those creepy gingers), and comes in nearly every day.  While everyone in this blog is referred to by a nickname of some sort, this isn’t one- everyone calls him Mumbly, even the other customers. Why? WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK HE’S SAYING. Seriously, he talks like he’s got his mouth full of food (or dicks, durhurhurrr. Sorry. Working at a porn store means you turn everything into a dirty joke).  He’s perfectly harmless, but like I said, irritating as fuck. He’ll stand by the counter and mumble at you in one long run-on sentence,and it’s the same shit over and over (you can tell by the tenor of his mumbles)- some 20-year-old dude he’s fucking, how he was hungry and got some McDonalds or something, and how some dude is pissed at him and Mumbly wants me to beat him up. Seriously. Every goddamn day.  And he won’t just lurk at the front counter, he’ll go chill in the cave-o-cocks and wait around, trying to start up a mumblesation with a dude to find a hookup. Somehow he magically does, and it’s usually dudes a good ten or fifteen years younger than him. Damned if any of us know how he does it. Usually we ignore him as best as we can; I usually grab an industry magazine and read and pretend to listen while occasionally throwing in a “Mhmm,” “Really?”, or “For sure.” He’ll eventually lose interest or find a piece of ass and be on his way, but some days I’m just about ready to punch him in the asshole and kick him out.

Those are the only regulars that we have conversations/mumblesations with on a daily basis.  There’s a few others that come in regularly:

Spoof- a fairly cool dude in his early thirties. He almost always previews porn parodies (example: Not the Cosbys, Pornstar Superheroes, Octopussy XXX 3-D), hence his name. We have legit conversations about True Blood and other shows we both love, but god help you if he somehow gets started on World of Warcraft or one of his other online games…then he’s almost as bad as Mumbly.

Boozer- Like Spoof, Boozer’s in his early thirties and almost exclusively previews. He generally comes in with a large bottle of Gatorade, but it’s more alcohol than Gatorade. He’ll have us pause his preview every fifteen minutes so he can go smoke, which gets annoying as hell, especially if he’s out smoking too long (the machine clicks once for every new preview. If we have it stopped too long, it clicks again, which fucks up our paperwork.) He gets progressively drunker as the day goes on, and he’s prone to falling asleep in a drunken stupor. For him, other drunks, and hobos, we have a legitimate stick at the front desk to poke them awake with. Haven’t had to use it yet, thankfully.

Lube Cabbie- A dude probably in his forties or fifties, perfectly pleasant, who will usually make polite conversation about the weather. He’s a cab driver, and every week, without fail, he’ll come in for the usual: a bottle of Swiss Navy silicone lube.  A whole four-ounce bottle- which would usually last somebody at LEAST two months- every week. Christ, dude, are you using it for shower gel or something?

Next time: why hitting on the chick who sells you your porn is a stupid choice!

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One Comment

  1. “For him, other drunks, and hobos, we have a legitimate stick at the front desk to poke them awake with. Haven’t had to use it yet, thankfully.”

    BAHAHAHAHAHA.


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