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When people find out that I work at a porn store, one of the first questions they ask is, “But…is that safe?” My mom in particular hates that I work there because she’s concerned for my safety.

I do have keys to the store, so I can always quickly lock the front door if needs be. There’s also a panic button under the counter, and I always keep the store phone or my cell phone nearby, just in case.

Easily my favorite protection device, however, is….


Made by Doc Johnson Novelties, an excellent company, this is the Dick Rambone. It’s roughly seventeen inches long and weighs about three pounds. RIDICKULOUS. Since it’s hard to tell with just a picture of the toy, here’s a size comparison to an average man:

HE CAN’T EVEN FIT HIS WHOLE HAND AROUND IT. IT’S THAT BIG. For yet another size comparison, what else is roughly seventeen inches long and weighs about three pounds?

A full-grown adult Desert Cottontail. That’s right. This cock is the size of a large rabbit.

Why do I point out the Dick Rambone, you ask? Because you can bet if someone lunges at me, I’m not reaching for a box cutter…nope, I’m grabbing the beast of a dick that could probably knock out a horse.

Readers concerned for my safety, rest easy. Predators, beware: fuck shit up in MY store, you’re going to learn the new, terrifying meaning of the word “cockslapped.”



  1. I would probably grab an Njoy Eleven to knock them out with. Two and a half pounds of solid stainless steel!

  2. HAHAHAHAHA. Mandie, I love you so hard.

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