Skip navigation

A lot of people have asked what exactly I do all night at the porn shop, thinking that every single night involves some crazy shenanigans and hardcore creepers. Honestly, not the case. Here’s a play-by-play of Saturday, June 12th, from 5pm to 12:30am.

5:05pm- Rush into the shop looking frazzled with bedhead, because I woke up late from my nap (Don’t you judge me, I work two jobs, one of which I start at 4:30am. Naps keep me from getting all stabby. Let me nap and you can keep your kidneys.) Start shift change with T-Mama

5:20pm- Finish shift change; spend a good chunk of time talking with T-Mama about her weekend, which involved dislocating her shoulder in a frenzied effort to keep her kids from walking in on her and T-Papa.

6:00pm- T-Mama leaves. I grab an old copy of Penthouse Letters and settle in to read.

6:10pm- Latin Queen and his boyfriend NotEngvall walk in (LQ’s boyfriend is a super nice white dude in his mid fifties. He looks a little like an older version of Bill Engvall, hence the name). The stay and gab for a bit, and buy a Boobie Dodgeball for LQ’s nephew, whose high school graduation party they’re headed to.

6:20pm- LQ and NE leave. Over the next hour and a half, a few of the arcade regulars come in, one or two customers come in and buy stuff, but nothing worth mentioning happens. I read Penthouse Letters for an hour and laugh at the horrible grammar and word choice of the writers….”pooper” for asshole and “mambos” for boobs. Really? You expect your story to be erotic and jerkoff-worthy by writing “I shoved my dick up her pooper and gripped her mambos for leverage”? Not so much.

8:00pm- Bored of Penthouse Letters. I walk the store and make sure nothing needs to be restocked, rearranged, or tidied up, and I notice something awe-inspiring, terrifying, and hilarious: SOMEONE BOUGHT THE RAMBONE. We only had one in stock, and it’s a toy you notice right away is missing. Between my closing shift the night before and the beginning of that current shift, somebody actually bought it. Good luck and happy trails to whoever bought it, I guess.

8:15pm- I call Neoboss to let her know that LQ picked up his Boobie Dodgeball, which we had been holding for him, and to chat for a bit. I tell her about my hellish day the day before that caused me to be late to my shift (which involved being locked out of my car for an hour and a half and getting soaked in Dr Pepper). We chat for a bit, confirming some shift changes. We’ve also gotten a new scent of incense in that for the past couple days, nobody could pin down what the smell reminded us of. I finally figured it out- Pez candy. Exactly like it. I told Neoboss and she shouts over the phone, “THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK IT IS! FINALLY!” Our lives, they are exciting.

8:45pm- I finish Penthouse Letters and move onto Hustler Variations. Same shit, different name.

9:30pm- My good friend Lady Captain stops in on her way home from work, killing time until her boyfriend Captain is off work. We gossip for a good two hours while I work, since the token business is picking up at the night gets later.

10:45pm- A slightly drunk dude walks in. He asks how the arcade and preview booths work, I explain. Somehow he doesn’t get the difference between the two, so I end up explaining about six more times. He finally decides to buy tokens and heads to the cock cave.

11:00pm- Drunk Dude comes back out to buy more tokens. He asks LC and I if we live in town. We say yes, and he immediately asks, “Why the FUCK would you live here? This town fucking sucks.” Dude, you asked. He wanders back into the cave.

11:10pm- Drunk Dude wanders back out, runs to the bathroom, and returns a few minutes later. I’m busy ringing up a customer, so he walks up to LC.

Drunk Dude: “Here, throw this out.”

Lady Captain: “Uhh, I don’t work here, dude.”

Drunk Dude, turning to me, “Hey, I’m gonna set this here, just throw it away.”

He sets down a full can of beer on the counter and walks back to the cave. It was somehow still cold. LC and I are real confused.

11:30pm- LC leaves after we make plans for dinner and booze with Captain and a bunch of our other friends later in the week. I start my closing duties.

11:45pm- I do “last call”- I flip on the light switch in the cave of cocks and announce “The store will be closing in fifteen minutes. Please use the last of your tokens and exit. Store closing in fifteen.” This is to start the process of kicking people out so I can close up, and also ensures that by the time the store closes, I don’t have to walk in on anybody jerking off or getting a blowjob. Drunk Dude answers “Okay.”

11:50pm- The only other dude in the back room, one of my gay regulars, walks out and cheerfully wishes me goodnight as he leaves. My last actual customer leaves, so it’s just Drunk Dude in the back room. I do more of my pre-closing stuff while I wait for him to finish up.

12:00am- Closed. I go to the doorway of the back and say “The store is closed, please exit the store.” Most of the time, when I say this, guys will either immediately leave, or say “Shit! Just a sec, I’m sorry!” If the latter is the case, I can wait- generally, that means they’re quickly cleaning up and straightening their clothes. It usually takes only a few seconds to a half a minute, and they’re always perfectly polite and apologetic about it. That doesn’t bother me; I don’t mind waiting, since I means I won’t have to see your dick.

What bothers me is when they try to pull shit like Drunk Dude, who heaves a big sigh and mumbles “No, I’ve got five more minutes left.”

EXCUSE ME? No. I gave you a fifteen minute warning that you responded to, so I know you heard me and understood. Fuck no.

“NOPE. It’s midnight. You need to leave NOW.”

He heaves another huge “Ugh, you’re such a bitch” sigh and I can hear him shuffling around. He takes another thirty seconds to straighten his clothes and walks out. Glaring at me, he walks out grumbling under his breath at me. I lock the door behind him, and he walks away with no further incident, thank god.

12:05pm- I finally am able to start my actual closing duties and get ready to leave. While I don’t have to clean the back (THANK GOD), I do have to go back there and open two of the doors for the janitor in the morning.  As I walk towards the very back corner by the emergency door and one of the doors I need to unlock, I always look straight down and watch my feet. This corner is the security camera’s biggest blind spot. This is where dudes are usually hooking up. God help the person who shines a blacklight back there, because their eyeballs would burst into flame from the reflection.

I’m walking fast, because I’m eager to get to a friend’s place for boozing after, so I quickly round the corner….and stop short and nearly fall over, yelling “FUUUUCK, THAT WAS CLOSE!”: there’s a pretty big puddle on the floor. It’s not pee, and it’s definitely not water.

EW EW EW EW EW.

I navigate around it and unlock the door, then VERY VERY carefully walk back up front.

12:30am- Finish closing duties, lock up, and leave.

12:35am- BEER.

Such is the life of a pornshopgirl.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: