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I mentioned awhile back that I have a Formspring account ( There’s a couple questions I got there that are worth expanding further on here.

Q: “I get off more when I’m playing with my clit with a vibrator than when I’m having sex with my boyfriend. He thinks I am  no longer attracted to him when really it’s that I am discovering a new part of my sexuality and anatomy. How can I make him understand?”

Lady, you are not alone in the LEAST. I see entirely too many couples walking in, the woman looking irritated with her husband, and the man looking surly as hell. I ring them up, asking if they need lube or toy cleaner or whatnot, and the man immediately says “No. Don’t even see why she needs this stupid fuckin’ thing, if I’m here.” This is a common occurrence. Dudes? CHILL THE FUCK OUT. First off, anatomy lesson: if a woman’s clitoris is more than a few mere millimeters from her vagina, chances are, she’ll have difficulty getting off from straight P-in-the-V sex alone. By all means, not all women are like this- everyone’s different- but many women are. Men, you’re not inadequate and she’s not replacing you with a robotic dick. Women, there’s nothing wrong with you and there is no shame in needing a little help when you’re gettin’ your groove on. A lot of people fail to see that for many, sex and masturbation are two VERY different things. Sex is more about connecting with another person on the most intimate level possible. Masturbation is purely about getting off. It’s not selfish, it’s not sinful, and you’re not gonna grow hairy palms- it’s normal and natural. As I said, everyone is different- sex might be just about getting off, for lots of people. That’s okay too, whatever tickles your pickle or makes your clam jam.

There’s an easy way to solve the man’s jealousy and the woman’s guilt- look for stimulation you can enjoy together. There are incredibly simple techniques- just using your partner’s fingers and a little lube- or there are any number of toys that can be used together. Vibrating cockrings are fantastic for this purpose: the ring can keep Tarzan’s vine a-swingin’ a little stronger and longer, and the vibrations will give Jane’s jungle a thrill. There’s also many very small bullet vibrators that women can use on themselves during sex.  There are so many ways that can keep all parties happy; it’s just a matter of finding one that suits you. And by all means, don’t feel like you have to stop masturbating. That’s entirely healthy, and if your man (or woman!) can’t handle it, show them the door.

Next question!

Q: What’s the best advice about sex you’ve received? Worst?

I forget who gave me the best advice, but it’s the best all the same: waiting for marriage isn’t necessary, but you should wait for someone who cares deeply about you. As with EVERY sex situation, what’s good for one might be crap for another. I know several people who lost it during one-night-stands they never saw again, and they’re perfectly happy with that. That’s TOTALLY fine. From what I can tell, lots of people, while they look forward to it immensely, are scared shitless to do the dirty for the first time. You’re a lot more likely to enjoy things if you’re feeling safe with someone you care about, who you know for sure won’t sneak out the back door while you’re in the shower. The same goes for when the going gets rough- if your protection fails and a bun starts baking in the oven, or you get a little itch downstairs, do you really want the added stress of trying to track down Mr/Ms Right Now? I’m of the opinion that you don’t have to be hitched to get down to business, but being comfortable with the person is a must.

The worst advice? From every women’s magazine ever- faking an orgasm is okay. NEVER NEVER NEVER FAKE IT. That’s a horrible base for a sexual relationship. Think about it: if you fake it, your partner assumes that what they were doing will get you off. They keep doing it during sex, you keep faking it, and you get no sexual relief. That’s got frustration, lies, tension, and explosion written all over it- and not the good kind of explosion, either.  Like with the first question, there’s no shame in not having an orgasm. The destination is fun, but the journey there can be a hell of a time, too.

On a further note, if you’re waiting for marriage- for either religious, safety, or whatever reasons- high fives to you, seriously! Don’t be pressured into doing anything you’re not comfortable with, and kudos to your likely Herculean efforts of restraining your libido.

Got a question? Ask pornshopgirl:


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