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Monthly Archives: October 2010

…a friend, family member, significant other, or acquaintance you can’t help embarrass the shit out of, simply for the sheer joy of it.

Me, I’m the one that misses things flat in front of my face. I’ll grab a freezie pop, hunt for scissors for ten minutes, give up, and mangle it open with my teeth. My one of my best friends/former roommate Adri would wait until I caveman’d that shit open before picking the scissors up from the coffee table in front of me and wordlessly raise an eyebrow.

Then there’s things like puddles. My freshman year of college, I was running late for class on a torrential-downpour of a rainy day. I was darting across my usual route, not quite paying attention, when a large pool of water appeared at the sidewalk. I stopped for a second, shrugged, and charged through it, thinking it was only two inches deep. My legs ended up soaked to my knees. I came home, told Adri about the story and she shook her head at me. When we went out walking later, she stopped short.

Adri: “Don’t you dare tell me THAT was the puddle.”

PSG: “Ummmmm. That wasn’t the puddle, not at all…”

Adri: “ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT’S A SMALL OCEAN! HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THAT?!”

To this day, she and the rest of my friends make fun of me. When it so much as sprinkles out, they dramatically throw an arm in front of me and shout “LOOK OUT, PSG! IT’S A PUDDLE!”  They’re all dicks and I hate them.

ANYWAY.

So I’m working tonight, and it’s slow as hell.  A couple walks in, scruffy dude in his mid thirties, unamused woman in her mid-late forties. They walk around the store, I offer them help, and they decline.

Scruffy: “Nah, I’m just gonna see how long it takes to embarrass her so bad she makes me sleep on the couch.”

I laugh and continue about my work, listening as Scruffy makes comments to Unamused.

On the Clone-a-Willy Kit: “Hey, want a copy of my boner? It vibrates! I don’t vibrate. But imagine if I did! *shakes his hips* You could have my vibrating dick!”

On porn: “Baby, can we get a movie?”

Unamused: “No. I could make that crap at home before I’d buy it.”

Scruffy, excitedly, “WE CAN MAKE A DIRTY MOVIE?! We can put the camera on the dresser, and it’ll be all sexy and shit!”

Unamused: “NO. I meant it would be cheaper, not that we’re doing it. I’m not recording myself having sex for you. What if you lose it and it gets on the internet?”

Scruffy, pouting, “Awww, come on! I bet SHE’S made a dirty movie! *points in my direction and turns to look at me* Come on, YOU’VE made a dirty movie before, haven’t you?”

PSG: “Nope. But you don’t necessarily have to put your face in it, just angle the camera towards your body instead.”

Scruffy: “BRILLIANT! LETS DO THAT!”

Unamused, now slightly amused at his pouting: “NO. Shut up, dork.”

They  make their way towards the counter and continue browsing. Unamused finds a little mini-book of shots with dirty names, sniggers a little, and starts reading the names out loud, with commentary from Scruffy:

Unamused: “White Mess, ew!”

Scruffy: “SHUT UP IT WAS JUST THE ONE TIME”

Unamused: “Slippery Nipples, haha.”

Scruffy: “I love nipples in my mouth. Oops. I meant Slippery Nipples. MY BAD.”

Unamused: “Screamer?”

Scruffy: “Hey, I’ve got one of those!” *looks pointedly at Unamused*

It takes approximately one second for Scruffy to look over at me and waggle his eyebrows before the two of us start snorting with held-back laughter.

It takes approximately three seconds for Unamused to register what he said, turn beet red, and run out the door, quickly followed by Scruffy whooping with laughter and yelling “HA! I WIN!”

Everybody’s got one.