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Tag Archives: lube cabbie

If you’ve never heard of Shit My Dad Says, you are missing out. Head to twitter.com/shitmydadsays and educate yourself, then come back here.

They’re making a TV show out of it, which could very easily suck, but I’m excited to see it because William Shatner is playing the dad, and that’s why it’s going to be fantastic.

ANYWHO.

There will now be a new segment here on Lube with That: Shit My Regulars Say! These will be gems from my non-creepy, mostly-sane regulars that I genuinely like having around.

Today’s episode features Lube Cabbie!

Lube Cabbie is a skinny dude in his late 60s that looks like he used to be a biker, bandana on his head, denim jacket over a classic rock t-shirt, scraggly graying beard.  He kinda looks like Willie Nelson if Willie listened to Ozzy and smoked even more pot than he does now.

No, Willie Nelson does not buy lube at my store.

He drives for a local cab company, and he comes in bi-weekly to buy a bottle of lube. How he and his wife go through a FULL bottle every other week, I’m kind of afraid to ask. LC is also damn lucky- he’s won the scratch off lotto twice in the past six months, for about a thousand dollars total.  If our porn shop is a little family, then LC would be grandpa’s wildcard younger brother who huffed too much glue in the 70s and buys you a case of Old Milwaukee for your 17th birthday.

On one-way streets: “My name’s [Lube Cabbie], but my customers call me WrongWay. All these fuckin’ one-way streets around here piss me off! So if it’s later at night, I come up on one of them damn one-ways, and I don’t see no cops, I turn around and say “Hey! How you feel about getting to your destination faster?” Then I book our asses down the wrong way so I can cut through! I ain’t been caught yet! Fuckers.”

On buying his wife a ticket for a cruise with her sister as an anniversary gift: “The wife, she’s all “Oh, honey, I have to get you a gift for our anniversary!”, but I tell her, “You already got me one!” She doesn’t understand, but then I explained it all to her real nice. “You know how you’re gonna leave for that cruise? That’s my present!” *LC cackles merrily and slaps the counter* “Yeeeeeeeep, that pissed her off.”

On his wife calling him every day on aforementioned cruise: “How the hell was I supposed to know she’d cry? If you call me every damn day when you’re supposed to be on vacation, when you ask “Do you miss me?” of COURSE I’m gonna say no! How the hell am I supposed to miss you if you don’t GO AWAY?”

For as much as he rags on his wife, though, he’s really a sweetheart. Regarding his most  recent lotto win:

PSG: “Shit, dude, I should have you buy me lotto tickets!”

LC: “Right? I’m takin’ the wife to her first concert, we’re gonna go see ZZ Top. She loves them, and she’s never been to a big show like that. We’re gonna go out to a nice dinner before, too.”

PSG: “Aww, that’s nice. *hands him his lube* You’re all set, man. Have a good anniversary and don’t forget, if you win the lotto again,  you gotta come hook up your favorite porn shop worker!”

LC: “Thanks, and hell yeah I will! Next time you’re out boozin’ with the other kids around here, call [my cab company] and ask for me, I’ll pick you up if you bring me a brew for the ride!”